Universal Monsters Part II

No one can explain the military’s response in those early days.  When Hell first opened her mouth and bore her teeth and proved right those of us who had long suspected that Hell was not a flosser.
 
Cleveland was the first to go.  Jackson heard a rumor that a Private was left at the trigger after pretty much everyone else evacuated and then left the building.  And that Private military man saw inside the chaos and screaming and gingivitis an opportunity.  The beasts weren’t even in Ohio, yet, says the rumor.  He had, the rumor says, just always wanted to watch Cleveland burn.

It’s just a rumor, of course, but it’s got a ring to it.

In these dark days, it’s nice to tell stories of heroes.

After that all the major cities fell like dominoes.  Only dominoes that had Daisy Cutters dropped on their asses from stealth bombers and helicopters named after Native American tribes.

Space has a theory that our response policy was written as a joke.  A Defense Secretary  sometime, somewhere got shit-faced, just fucking totalled, and wrote up a memo stating that if we are ever invaded by fucking monsters we are to simply say, “Fuck it.”  Bomb everything.  Bomb everyone.  Kill us all and let God sort us out.

Then bomb God.

It’s got a ring to it.

If there is any truth to that, I bet that memo was funny as hell until last Tuesday.

There are other theories, of course.  Gremlins got control of the Pentagon.  Or other monsters did.  Mischief demons or republicans.

No one can explain the military’s response in those first days.  Or, if they can, they won’t, which is close enough to be the same thing in a world without Clevelands or New Yorks.

Across all fifty states, across each protectorate and commonwealth and what have you the bombs fell.  The response seems unasinous.  Which was our word of the day today.

Unasinous.

[yoo-NAS-in-es] adjective: being equally stupid.

Might as well be the word of the rest of days at this rate.

What we do know, what we do understand, of course, is that the bombs fell and kept falling and they lit our faces like lightning and they covered our ears like metal and they walked us over crumbled, tumbled, exploded concrete walls and into Hell’s waiting, gaping, unflossed teeth.

And when in your day-to-day life you are a murdering, hardcore, evil son of a bitch who eats bags of tea and shouts racist things at sports equipment just to not get raped, a Hell Mouth may as well be a Sandals resort.

What we do understand is this is much more dangerous than prison ever was.  And most everything left out there are the things that eat the things that rape murderers.  And they will come.  

And we will die with a trail of bodies at our backs and laughter in our veins.

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